Thursday, June 20, 2013

How To Have A Successful Breakup In 10 Easy Steps

As I find myself 'Googling' my own name as a part of the beginning stages of another job search (my department is moving to IL and I am not moving to IL. -sigh-. I come across this blog and remember, I actually like this blog. In an effort to post something without actually putting forth much effort at all, I wanted to add another undergrad-written how to =)

Here's to hoping that my unemployment brings many new written successes...and no breakups.

How To Have A Successful Breakup In 10 Easy Steps

As successful as a breakup can be, anyway. 

 By Lauren Izquierdo

Step 1. Make sure breaking up is really what you want to do.

Breaking up means it’s over. If you’re one of those people that have found themselves in an on-again-off-again relationship with the same person for the past two years, then it’s either time to commit or breakup for good – probably the second one.

Step 2. “We Need To Talk”

This is a phrase that can trigger anyone’s upchuck reflexes. Do not call or text a person this phrase before they have to go to work or class. They will spend all class period trying to pull it together, missing every other word of the grasshopper lecture of their entomology class because they were busy obsessing over your four word text.

Step 3. Always do the breaking up in person.

If that’s at all possible, if it’s not possible then do it over the phone. You can’t text message breakup. It’s a heartless thing to do.

Step 4. Fully explain your reasons for wanting to break up:

                - I think we’ve grown apart.
                - Your too controlling and I can’t handle it.
                - The baby isn’t yours.

Step 5. Say everything you need to say.

Don’t let their tears or yours hold you back from saying exactly what you want to say. Speak calmly if you can and avoid getting angry. The relationship is over- there is no point in getting angry now.

Step 6. Avoid saying things that are unnecessarily hurtful:

                - There’s somebody else.
                - Your sister is hotter than you are.
                - You were never good; I faked it.

Step 7. Say goodbye.

A hug might be appropriate. A kiss might be appropriate. Sex is not appropriate; it’s sending a mixed message, especially if you just told them they were never good in bed.

Step 8. Don’t try to be friends.

At least not right away. It rarely ever works. Actually, I’ve never heard of it working. I tried to be friends with a boyfriend and it was disastrous. The ‘friendship’ we tried to work out felt like a long excruciating breakup with lots of jealousy and unwanted advances. Maybe a couple months down the road you two will be able to be friends again, but as long as one of you still has feelings for the other, it will never work out.  

Step 9. Don’t be a jerk.

Unless the person you’re breaking up with is a terrible person and deserves it, in which case you can ignore steps two through six.

Step 10. Go eat ice-cream.

Or go shopping, or go drink at the bar and meet somebody else to go shopping for ice-cream with.

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